(September 24, 2017, My friend Briana Gibson)
God can’t and shouldn’t use me.
I’ve never been one to think that. I’ve never battled deep rooted insecurity. Sure, I’ve had moments of self-doubt, but what teenage girl hasn’t? My point is, I’ve never been the girl who’s unsure of herself.
However, quite recently I found myself buying into the lie that I’m no longer chosen because of mistakes I’ve made in my past and battles I’m still fighting now.
That’s why it has taken me longer than usual to write this letter. I thought: “Who am I to try to encourage and teach others when I’m not doing all that I could and should be doing?”
But you know what?
I am so glad God doesn’t operate that way.
I know this: He has chosen me to be a vessel.
2 Timothy 1:9 says:
“For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time- to show us his grace through Christ Jesus.” (NLT)
Let me get right to the point.
His love isn’t conditional.
He doesn’t base His actions off of who I am, but who He is.
He doesn’t give me ultimatums.
Instead, He says:
“Nothing could ever separate you and I.” (Romans 8:38-39)
It is not a mystery to Him as to why He chose me.
He doesn’t need me to prove myself.
He just wants to love me.
He’s not some angry dictator in the sky, He’s my father.
I am who He says I am.
How is it that we know without a shadow of a doubt that God commands the wind and waves, but it’s difficult for us to even think that He can tear down every lie we believe about ourselves?
Well you know what?
I’m tired of believing the lie.
I’m tired of telling myself that I have nothing to say.
The other day as a group of us congregated at a friend’s house for dinner, one of my youth pastors made a comment about the way I naturally stomp around when I walk.
At the time, it was funny and, while he just mentioned it as a comical observation, I thought about it later on that evening and realized the spiritual weight of what he said.
He told me:
“For someone so small, you walk so heavy.”
And I could hear the Holy Spirit saying to me:
“Because you walk with a purpose. You walk with a destination in mind, carrying all that you have to give. You know the weight of who I’ve called you to be. People see and recognize that within you.”
And I will choose to walk in that everyday.
We discredit ourselves and minimize God’s ability to move in and through us so many times because of things that we’ve done that might not have been right.
But God is not intimidated by our shortcomings.
He comes and breaks those things off of us and says:
“This is your story. This is your testimony.”
He completely flips our situation; allowing us to relate that experience to others and lead them closer to His heart.
I’ve said and done things I shouldn’t have.
I’ve opened doors that should have stayed shut.
I’ve hurt people.
I have a lot of emotions.
I make a lot of mistakes.
But who doesn’t?
The reason why it was so easy for me to believe the lie that God shouldn’t use me is because I was chasing perfection instead of righteousness.
I’ve spent so much time kicking myself for not having it all figured out.
I’ve spent so much time fearing that I was taking advantage of His grace just because I made one mistake.
But you know what I’ve realized?
The only way to overcome and to learn is to keep. going.
I am confident of who I am in The Lord and know that just because I slip up sometimes, it doesn’t mean that I’m taking His grace for granted.
He sees me.
He sees the efforts I make to stay on the right track and stick to the path He has laid out for me.
He knows my heart.
He knows my best intentions and recognizes my posture towards Him.
He loves me and I love Him.
I do my best to follow where He leads me. And honestly, at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
So no, I’m not perfect. I don’t have it all together 100% of the time. I’ve made mistakes and will probably make more.
But will God still choose me?
The senior pastor at my home church where I do ministry sends out weekly messages to everyone on the staff and leadership team; messages that encourage and keep everyone updated.
At the end of these messages, he always signs at the end:
“You are God’s best.”
And you know what?
I am God’s best.
And so are you.
(P.S. “The heaven of heavens belong to the Lord your God, the earth with all that is in it, yet the Lord set his heart in love on you.”